John Cena Might be Duke Nukem on the Silver Screen

I have to wonder if Duke Nukem was ever really as big a deal as some people have hyped him up to be.

I mean, I know I missed out on his star-making game, which revolutionized the FPS by including breasts and… poop? But for all the ways the industry tries to hype him, when the Duke shows up in modern games, he tends to illicit far more groans than cheers. You don’t have to look much further than Duke Nukem Forever or the recent Bulletstorm remake to see that.

Despite everything, though, Gearbox still unironically loves the character for some reason, and word is they’re teaming up with Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes to make a Duke Nukem movie. And despite not having a script or a director, they know exactly who they want to play the Duke himself: John friggin’ Cena.

Everything about the aforementioned paragraph makes sense to me. I can’t think of a director better suited for the sensibility and action of a Duke Nukem movie than Michael Bay. John Cena not only looks the part, he’s also a professional wrestler who has years of experience acting like a lovable yet conceited jerk. I can’t imagine a writer or director who would be in a hurry to sign up for such an inevitable train-wreck. And yet, I still find myself in awe of this news.

That said, if Rampage can get a blockbuster movie these days, you could do worse than an aggressive white man fighting aliens as far as movie premises go. He might even prove popular among a very specific minority of moviegoers who often claim they're underrepresented in the modern film industry: you know, misogynists. So I say, go ahead, film industry. Go ahead and take Duke Nukem for a spin. See how that goes for you.

I will be first in line to not buy tickets.