EA CEO: "We're thinking about Quitting Games"

Well, it’s April first, which means today is April Fool’s day—and all through the internet you can expect websites big and small to partake in the joviality with prank articles, fake news, reveals that will never come to be, and ‘jokes’ that push against the limits of humor and originality. But we’re all adults here at Gamerz Unite, and we respect your maturity and your intelligence enough not to waste your time, or ours, on such frivolous blithering. Real news, all day, no exceptions.

I say this so you can trust me with what I say next, because I wouldn’t believe it either if I hadn’t heard it with my own two ears; EA has recently revealed to us in a GamerzUnite exclusive that it has ‘given up’ videogames, and their operations will shut down in a matter of weeks.

Speaking with me over our daily brunch date, EA CEO Andrew Wilson told me this;

“I’ve just been really stressed out about a lot of things going on in my life, and I just realized last night that maybe the problem stems from the fact I never really decided to grow up. So I talked it over with the other executives and we decided we’ll give this ‘video game’ thing a break and try something a little more mature.”

He quickly followed that with;

“Wait, you’re not going to write about this on that website you work for, right? Dammit, I told you that in the strictest confidence don’t you dare post that online!”

Unfortunately for Andrew Wilson, my integrity as a games journalist came before our friendship, and I had to drop the bomb on you anyway. Despite my attempts to pry, Andrew never revealed what it was EA was going to do next, but based off a conversation with his wife I assume it’ll be specialty sports underwear and plastic figurines of the 1986 Argentina winners of the FIFA world cup.

I’ll edit this article as more details are revealed!

EDIT 1: Despite my many attempts to contact him, I have heard nothing from Andrew Wilson or EA. I am uncertain if these are still EA’s plans, or if Wilson and I are still going to the LaCrosse game later this week. He seems rather upset with me.

EDIT 2: I just had a fight with Andrew. He finally gets back to me, right, and I was all prepared to talk it over like adults but he just, like, blows up at me. ‘How dare you betray my trust’ and ‘you abused our relationship’ and all that, right? Which is stupid, I say “Relax Andrew it’s a tiny site no one will read it anyway” and he’s all “Well if that’s true why haven’t you deleted it already?!”

I need that five bucks man, if you weren’t so stingy and paid for my half of our dates I wouldn’t need to be such a penny-pincher, JERK.

EDIT 3: Look, Andrew, man, I’m sorry. I can’t just get rid of the article but you could at least return my calls. I wanna make this right.

EDIT 4: I just checked with the guys at our Brunch club, he canceled our reservations for Easter. What the hell man?! Look we both have jobs, okay?! I report news on a small gaming website, you’re the CEO of an international gaming company, but just because there’s a few million dollars difference in our salaries doesn’t mean your job is more important than mine. I respect what you do, man—when you told me about Dungeon Keeper I didn’t say a damn thing—why can’t you respect what I do? That was a bombshell you just dropped, buddy, and it’s funny you talk about growing up and being mature, because you’re acting like a child.

Answer my calls, Andrew.

EDIT 5: Relax, my fellow gamers; Andrew and I have made peace. I had to actually call his wife and she had him speak with me for her, and the two of us were able to have a heart to heart. Yes, we were a little bitter, but I think a lot of that was just residue from an earlier fight we had over our last D&D session. I’m not a nice DM, okay, I take a lot from Dark Souls, he knew that when we started and- gah, nevermind. Point is, we’re better now. I’ll be going over to their house for dinner later tonight.

I’ll be bringing some adult macaroni and cheese. It’s just regular Mac and Cheese with some shredded cheddar and bacon bits mixed in. Still tastes damn good though.